I couldn't do it either. It's the worst thing that I can imagine too. I continue to struggle with questions and despair, but I am still standing. How?
"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock." (Matt. 7:24-25)
I did not fall when Anna died because my foundation is on the rock--not on my abilities, my circumstances, my bank account, my education, my family, or other people.
How firm a foundation, ye saints of the Lord,
is laid for your faith in His excellent word!
What more can He say than to you He hath said--
To you who for refuge to Jesus have fled?
The soul that on Jesus doth lean for repose,
I will not, I will not, desert to his foes;
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I'll never, no never, no never forsake.
- (How Firm a Foundation, John Keith 1787)