Friday, June 17, 2011

I'm Sorry

What can I say?  How can I start?  I was planning to write about my parents' visit, but I can't today.  My heart is too heavy.  My mind too consumed.
A neighbor down the street committed suicide this week.  Her daughter found her.  The police came.  My kids stood on the corner to see what was going on.  I just went back inside and fixed dinner.   I didn't even know what had happened until a few days later when I heard someone talking about it at the bus stop.
Why do we go through life assuming that everyone is doing okay?  Why do we assume that we are the only ones with problems?  Why do we resist taking off our masks and letting people see what is going on?
This week at my Bible study group (remember, the one I didn't want to go to)  the leader asked us to share how our lives had been interrupted.  My heart was pounding.  I didn't want to share.  I didn't want to be the only person falling apart when I told my story.  I didn't want people to feel sorry for me.
I didn't have to worry.
That small group of women  shared stories of bankruptcy, job loss, children born with handicaps, family splits, depression, panic attacks, and infidelity.  I was not the only one whose life had been forever changed by suffering.
We all took off our masks just for a moment and let others see our wounds.
And it helped.
We prayed for each other.
And it helped.
We studied to see how God can make something beautiful out of something ugly.
And it helped.
I wish I had invited my neighbor.  I wish she could have shared her pain with someone else.  I wish we could have prayed with her and for her.  I wish I could have told her that what is seen is temporary.
But it's too late.
Now when I drive down my street I wonder if there is someone else inside those beautiful houses who is hurting, someone else who is having trouble getting out of bed each day, someone else who needs the hope that I have.
I can't assume that just because their yard looks perfect that their life is perfect.
I'm sorry neighbor.
I'm sorry I didn't even know your name.


Marianne said...

Sigh....what a hard thing! It is so true that we want to wear our masks. And it is so hard when you do take it off, and then people do not know what to do with you, maybe they aren't ready for that or whatever, but then it makes it hard to take that risk again! Thanks for reminding me of the importance of removing my mask, no matter what others might think! Ultimately, God will use it and that part is not up to me. I want to continue to share with others and be real!! You are an inspiration sweet Marlo!

tututotes! said...

I have standing chills!! Thank you for sharing. (found you years ago via Susan Swank)

kimmy said...

I'm so sorry . This is so sad.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry for the loss of your neighbor. I just wanted to let you know I started reading Anna's blog back when she was still alive. I can't even recall what led me to it in the first place. Awhile back I was struggling with life in general and depression issues. You sharing your faith and heart was one of the life rafts I believe God sent. So although you may not have been aware of your neighbor's situation and couldn't help her, you helped me and likely many others you aren't aware of as well. God bless you.

Rita B