Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Lost Trust?

On February 21, 2005  I wrote this verse in my journal.

Jesus said, 'Don't be afraid.  Just trust me.' (Mark 5:36)
 When I read those words, I could picture myself in Jairus' place, panicking because my daughter was dying.  When Jesus spoke to him, I'm sure he was looking Jairus right in the eye, and perhaps even holding his face in his hands.

 "Trust me." 

Three days later when we received the news that Anna had cancer I went back in my journal to see how God had prepared me for what was ahead.  Before I ever knew that my daughter's life was in danger, God had told me, "Don't be afraid.  Just trust me."  He had given me the words I needed to get through those early days.  They became my mantra,

"Don't be afraid.  Just trust me.  Don't be afraid.  Just trust me."  
While we were still in the hospital, I was telling our pastor and his wife about God giving me that verse before I knew I needed it.  The next day Liz brought me a ring.  It was a thin silver band with the word "Trust" engraved on it.  I put it on and never took it off.  I remember one night in the hospital I was laying in bed in the dark--afraid and crying.  I put my hands over my face and I felt something hard.  It was my new ring.

"Don't be afraid.  Just trust me." 
 I wish God had said, "Don't be afraid.  Just trust me and she will be okay."  He didn't.  He just said, "Trust me."
I don't have to like what has happened.  I just have to trust.
I don't have to be happy.  I just have to trust.
I don't have to know the answers to my questions.  I just have to trust.
I've worn that ring every day since February 2005.  It's been a constant reminder of how I am to respond in each and every circumstance.  
I never took it off, but today it's gone.  I was making meatballs this weekend so I'm guessing it fell off then.  When I told Richard what had happened, he wanted to chop up all the meatballs.  I said, "You are not chopping up all of these meatballs.  We'll just tell the kids to be careful when they bite down."  We didn't find the ring in the meatballs (although there are still a few more to go.)
The ring was special to me.  I would have never taken it off, but it's okay that it's gone.  Those words are written on my heart and I don't need the ring to remember to trust.


Marianne said...

Wow, you don't even KNOW how timely this is!! Thanks for sharing your heart always, even when it isn't easy!! So sorry about the ring!

Jennifer said...

Marlo -
I've been working on my adoption book this week and I ran across this after I read your post.

"I knew that it was okay to grieve and approach God's throne of grace with pure honesty and raw emotion, as long as I trusted Him."
Then just below that was this verse...
"Dont be afraid; just believe" ~Mark 5:36

I love how God works!

Elaine said...

We serve an awesome God. Please let us know if you ever find that ring. :)